Why do I screw up so much?
Why am I an asshole?
Why do I want to hang out with my friends instead of my gorgeous girlfriend?
Honestly, I don't know. I just do things. Thinking that as long as I come home in one piece that I'll still be loved. Instead, I come home to find that I have neglected my duties as a loving boyfriend and opted to go out with friends instead of stick to my plans.
Did I forget how much she hates it when people don't stick to their words?
No.
I remember that very well. I just wanted to see them, my friends, for a little bit and I lost track of time. For 15 minutes talking about football. 15 minutes and I could still be on a high of this gorgeous girl that I have. Instead, I'm just a fuck up.
Now what's worse is that I haven't spoken more than a word to her in two days and it's killing me. "Where are you going?", that is the longest sentence she has said to me. Even worse than that is she leaves tomorrow for a volleyball tournament. That should be great. A long weekend alone. No speaking. I wonder if I'll even get a text or a call.
Maybe I should just do my thing and be who I am supposed to be and maybe, just maybe, she will start talking to me again. I dare not try to open her up. She is fiery and I don't want to, er, I can't raise my voice. It scares her. I get very vocal when something I want is getting distant.
But hey, I can surely state all the things that I feel that I have been wronged. I'm called a 'no nothing' which I so dearly hate. I'm ignored. I'm pushed away. I'm told to talk about stuff, but I'm told to stay quiet and just say nothing. Dishes are supposed to get done. Clothes are supposed to be washed and put away. I don't say anything, I let it go and just quietly do them myself. Doing my part to make life easier in this living situation.
I want to feel wanted. I want to feel like I belong. I want to feel as if I'm not a burden on anyone or anything and I want to be encouraged and uplifted just like every other human being on the planet. I do not feel that.
And I'm still an idiot asshole who can't keep promises. I will continue to be until this is resolved.
When will it be resolved?
How?
I've said what I have to say.
What else is there?
How many ways can you say, "I'm sorry"?
It truly is killing me.
Watching her get ready and no words are spoken.
All I can do is click clack on my computer my words that she doesn't want to hear. I feel that I need to wait until she makes the first move. But I will say this...I won't let it go on like this. Not by a long shot.
You now have 15 hours to do something. Or I will.
On the good news side of things, I could have a full time job as a football coach this weekend. Talked with the guy yesterday and moves will be made so as to make room for me. I'm told and email will go out and this weekend it should be official. Which I think is great news. A full time job doing what I love and a chance to further my knowledge of the game. Now if I can just share it with someone and go do all the things that I've dreamed of doing.
With her.
